Casualties Of War….Who Will Be Their Guides?….

teen girlsLooking at the next generation, I am left wondering who will lead them? If mom and dad have been replaced by reality TV and music, who is raising our kids? And who will be there to raise and teach their children? What happened to imaginations and playtime? What happened to compassion and empathy?  What happened to shame? Where did all this anger come from? Why can we no longer carry on conversations with each other in person, and yet we will text or talk all day on social media? Why has society changed so drastically and not in a good way? There are so many questions, and yet I really do not have all of the answers. The more I try to come up with answers, the more questions I have. The more I question, the angrier I get. Not at the individuals, but at the seeming futility of trying to find solutions that are as long-lasting as they are needed. It is as if we are fighting a war with some invisible enemy. Someone or something is generating such discontent but what? Who? What if the enemy is really us?10171227_758121634211546_71165956_n

Instead of a nation of free thinkers; we are now one full of followers. The media and celebrities determine acceptable behavior and not mom and dad.How did this happen? Our sons and daughters are becoming carbon images of a contrived money machine. Not a particular person, but a formula for one that has just enough reality in it, to make it palatable to most and believed by nearly all.  The media has glorified ignorant and dramatic behavior because it drives ratings, and women are simply falling into the trap of trying to fit that role. We don’t have young women looking up to the older paragons of decorum and class, since those women only get a few moments of screen time, while the loud mouth and obnoxious women of these pretend reality shows, get prime time.

Teenage girls smokingTake a long look at the behavior of girls and young women. It is both fascinating as it is scary, to see some of us interact with each other. Women are becoming really mean-spirited when it comes to other women. We have always been very competitive, but now girls are competitive for no reason at all. We have girls in elementary school bullying, and treating other little girls like they are trash. teen_talk_depresssion_emo_cutting_02_jpg_70331Girls in middle school that are sexually active, and girls in high school that are so emotionally battered, they have no idea who they are. The level of indifference to the plight of other women,  is really shocking to me as a woman and human being. I don’t understand the degrees of hatred, that can cause young girls and boys of as young as nine or ten to commit suicide or cut themselves, after being bullied, but that is becoming the norm.

Young women are emulating what they see, and not just their environment. These girls may come from what we would consider perfect homes, but they are so full of anger for reasons that even they don’t understand. I like so many others, have seen this change and attribute it to the images they are being subjected to, lack of identity, and desire to fit in. Girls see women that act like wenches get their own reality shows and become famous for being bad. They see a woman become famous for sleeping with different men and think that it is normal.smallparn If you were a young girl would you seek to be like her because you want to be famous or would you be individual enough to understand that behavior is not the way to go? A lot of us can’t answer that question because we are doing exactly what those girls are doing. We are mimicking what we see.

If children start believing they have no value, why would they try to listen to any adult? If women are resenting the roles of mother and men are ignoring the role of fathers where does that leave the children? How does that affect the way they see and value themselves? sista sadHow do some kids reconcile with the fact that their mother is only 15 years older than them? Or that mom is actually in the club more than you are? Or dad is messing around and, has a baby by, a girl that you went to school with? How did the roles of parents become affected by the changes in men and women? The children are the one constant, since when did they become casualties of war?’

strong-women Parenting is not easy. There is no sure-fire way to guarantee your child will grow up perfect. The only thing that parents can do is be a stable guide to our charges while they are in our protection.  I am sure it may have been easier to get along with your child if they treated you like an equal and not like the next thing to God in their world but having a leader to look upon for guidance is imperative to survival for children. As a parent how can you lead if you are afraid to rock the boat and assert authority?  If you listen to the mouths of the media and the negativity you see around you, it is easy to assume that this generation is lost. I refuse to believe that. We can all change if we choose to and are shown the way. Realizing this I thought of a tentative answer to this war. The solution is the person in your mirror. Teach by example. Guide by your actions. Show the next generation what it means to dream and achieve. Be a parent, teacher, guardian before being a friend. Turn off all other distractions for your child and watch her blossom. selah2-1

Why Sistah Why?

download (30)Why Sistah? Why?

Why do you refuse to see your value?

Your beauty? … Your crown?….

Why do you look to a flat screen instead of a mirror to see you?

Why do you not have your own identity?

Why must you see other queens as competition instead of sister?

Why is it ok to be scandalous but embarrassing to stand by your man?

Why Sistah why?images (68)

Why do you cry, in the dark, hating who you are, because you fail to measure up to some fake image of perfection?

Why do you hide behind makeup, false lashes and weave? Your hair is beautiful, your eyes are too.

Why do you allow yourself to be seen as nothing more than a pair of boobs, a big butt and a baby maker?

Why Sistah why?

Why is it ok that Sistahs are seen as loud mouthed, brash and unintelligent by the media, and some of us are stupid enough to think it is funny or doesn’t matter?

Why Sistah why?blackwomen_b

Why do you choose to fight each other over a man that belongs to neither of you?

Why do you allow yourselves to have so many children out of wedlock, and yet call the man you are shacking with ‘Hubby’?

Why don’t you want more? Why don’t you demand more?

Why Sistah why?

Why do you not read books, but you will read Facebook, Instagram or twitter?

Why is it OK to be called a ‘Bitch’ as long as the word ‘Bad’ is placed in front of it? You’re not a beast so why liken yourself to one?

Why do we call other Sistahs that are not following a stereotype, Bougie or ‘not black enough’?

How black is ‘Black’ enough’?

Why is it ok to be labeled a baby mama and not a mother?

Why? Why? Why?….

Why Daughter why?teenage-girl-475

Why baby girl do you not know who you are?

Why do you hate the image in your mirror?

Why are you becoming a young woman that is so full of confusion, and despair?

Why Daughter why?……

Answer…

I am who I am, and learned what I do from watching you. I am a reflection of you. Why Mother Why,… did you not see this sooner?feeling low

Let Her Be A Girl Before You Make Her A Woman!…

little tramp stampEarlier this week I posted a piece discussing the disturbingly horrific ways that our young girls are being seen as sexual beings before they have even hit puberty. The responses I got back were mixed. On the one hand, I met with a lot of support from different mothers and fathers but I did meet quite a few that assumed I had crossed the line. The uncomfortable fact is that in today’s super sexed society, everything we see and view in the media has been carnally charged at some point. How this affects the next generation is up to you to decide. On any given day if you ask me how many kids I have the number may change. That is because I consider every child, my family at some point. I am that neighborhood mom that will take in anyone. I have also been known to discipline my close friends and family’s kids.madea meme Extra chores, timeouts, taken toys, and yes even the occasional spankings were common in my home. I like so many of you, took my role as parent serious enough that it extended to all of those under my roof or presence. I say all this because although I only have two biological sons, I have daughters too.

As a young girl, I was molested. It started when I was 12 and continued for years after that. I internalized that pain and still tried to go on like nothing happened. Grown men around me took notice of my blossoming body before I knew what having a body meant.little-girl-crying I remember how horrible that made me feel. My torment did not end at home. When I was 13 my first summer job was cleaning apartments. The manager took me into one f the bedrooms and asked me to have sex with him. I refused and ran home crying and told my mother. He lied to her when she called and said that he was only testing me. No police were called and the memory of that moment and my torment at home destroyed my self-image.  I was ashamed of my body and yet I wanted to be a young girl like everyone else. I wasn’t allowed that luxury and for years I struggled because of it.  This is the reason I am so concerned by the way that our daughters view themselves. This is why I ask that we all please join the fight to allow our daughters to be little girls first.

Sure we are a super sexed society… Sex does sell but our daughters are not FOR SALE. Stop allowing our daughters to buy into the sexy culture that is the now. Just because they make tube tops and hiphuggers for six-year olds doesn’t mean we should buy them.   One point of view was that pedophiles will look at our kids no matter what they wear. I thought about that for a moment. According to Child Lures Prevention,  “Approximately 400,000 convicted pedophiles currently reside in the United States, according to Department of Justice estimates.” This is only the number of convicted felons. What about the ones like my demons? Neither of the men that touched me as a kid were ever convicted.RAPE The fact remains, that some men and women may not view themselves as typical pedophiles, in my opinion. I am sure we have all heard people talking about how much more mature this or that child is than others. Is it that much of a stretch to assume that some people can be swayed or comforted in thinking that because young Jessica seems to be so mature, she can handle the sexual advances being turned her way? Because she is so mature, she can handle sex? Because she is so mature, she won’t be permanently scarred by her lack of childhood. Because it is just sex it is no big deal right?

BATTERED WOMANWhat if I told you that in the past two months,  I personally have talked to four girls in their teens to early 20s that were all either raped or molested at as early as 11? What if I told you that for three of them their mothers were aware of the abuse and turned a blind eye? What if I told you that they all were told that they looked or acted mature for their age? Do you see a pattern here? What about those little girls that are desensitized to sexuality because it is so common. Sure it is more comfortable to say that it is society’s fault or bad parenting. Guess what? We are SOCIETY. We are the PARENTS. Most of us are not bad parents only misguided. We have gotten not necessarily comfortable, with this new sexy culture but we accept it. We see our daughters twerking and don’t see it as bad, considering everyone is doing it. That is where I start to get Uncomfortable. If everyone is doing it, does that make it any less sexy? This girl is popping and gyrating her hips in ways that are very sexually stimulating. Does this mean that based upon her age some men or women will not be swayed by the movements of her body?  Think so? Go to some of these middle  and high schools and see if you can guess the ages of some of the girls there. See how many girls are wearing high-heeled shoes and short skirts. How many girls are wearing shirts that show their midriff . How many have body piercings or tattoos ?images (96)  While living in Florida, I went to pick my son up from school and this girl was being sent home for showing her shoulders. Surprisingly, over half the girls in the school had on shorts or skirts that left little to the imagination, but shoulders were too sexy to see.

Being the nosy mom of teen boys, I was appalled by the aggressiveness of some of the young ladies in my community. They would walk around wearing nearly nothing, or make sexual gestures or innuendos. Quotes-about-strong-womenI witnessed these girls walking the streets, and was shocked that even I could no longer tell which of them was actually of age. I cautioned my boys, more and more, on the dangers of unprotected sex, and prayed that they listened. I began asking girls why they dressed the way they did, only to find out in some cases she was imitating mom. If this is the way things have become how far will it go? Nothing against teen moms, but when will this be taboo again? It is not that these girls are bad.Far from it. They are simply babies with babies. Can we at least agree on that? Can we also do what we can now, to at least change the image of women, so that girls can again play with dolls and not try to be Barbie? Can we make her comfortable in her own skin, before she starts showing it to the world? girls for womenThe mantle of Maturity, should be earned, in my opinion, not implied.  Let her be young enough to make mistakes, but guide her to understand why mistakes happen. Teach her to be a young LADY. Understand, that it will not be easy to raise an individual little girl, but it is worth every bit. Sure we will have to contend with the media and the newest trends in clothing. Parenting is not meant to be fun all the time. The time is now to remember that. We are the PARENTS. We are the mature ones. We are the ones responsible for our children. We can not shift the blame to Society because WE ARE SOCIETY. Sometimes the only way to protect what you value most is to go back to the basics. We only get a chance to be young once, don’t let your angel’s childhood be filled with regret.

It’s Not Cute… It’s Terrifying!!

little-girls-laughingWhat if I told you that our daughters are in grave danger, not of physical harm but psychological? What if I said that our girls are losing themselves before they have even had a chance to find out who they had lost? What if there was a way to stop this decline before it starts? What if we as mothers and role models have a hand in the destruction of our daughters? All of these what ifs actually can be thought of as reality, if we do not act now. As an exercise turn on your TV and try to find one show or commercial that doesn’t seem to show women as sexual beings. It doesn’t have to be overt, but how many reality shows have young girls that are dressed in provocative clothing, or barely dressed. How about the commercials? What about the internet?bad girls

On almost every social media site there are millions of women and young girls dressed provocatively or emphasizing certain parts of their body. If they are of age what is the problem right? Well its really not, but it can be…. Now that you have done that, look inside of your own closet and at your own pictures….When I did this, I was shocked by the number of sexy pictures I have of myself. I like to dress tasteful with a hint of sexy.529569_769119993118142_1211930667_n I own nearly four times as many high heel shoes as most women. I did not see a problem until one of my adopted daughters posted a pic of herself, dressed up and looking to be years older than her 13 years. I was instantly angry.  I kept envisioning how older men looking at that photo might not care that she was just a baby.why2 When I went to her mother, she laughed and said that I was being silly. I was very serious. Another incident was when another family member posted a message on FB telling guys if they wanted to see a provocative picture of her send her an inbox. She is only 16.

I became more aware  and I started watching all of my friends and their teenage daughters on FB.  I would see people posting pictures or commenting on different supposedly comical images about Ratchet females, yet some of them or their daughter posted similar pics.  I started noticing how more and more our young girls are wearing clothing that is super sexy or posing provocatively. little kids twerkingA 7 year old does not need to dress in the same style as her mom or older sister. It is not cute to see her twerking. ten_yearmodelIt is NOT cute to look at the little girl in this picture and not be disturbed. She is only 10 years old.  (This was a Vogue photo shoot by the way.) Pedophiles would be convicted and sent to jail for having some of these pictures and yet we willingly post them online without worry. We allow our 12, 13, or 16-year-old to take pictures  of themselves or we take them ourselves.

prom dressThe problem is not the clothes it is the attention these girls get that they may not be ready for.  This post is not about the men around us but the way that our young women are shockingly being made to appear so sexual. Having a discussion the other day with a group of people the subject of teens having sex came up. Most everyone agreed that teens were not mature enough to handle being sexually active, but there were some that assumed since they were teen parents, and turned out OK, then it was fine for their kids.  Here are some truly uncomfortable facts. “Teen pregnancy and childbearing bring substantial social and economic costs to teen parents, their children, and to communities. More than 360,000 teen girls give birth each year in the United States. One half of teen mothers do not finish high school. ” This was the finding of the CDC in 2009. That was not that long ago so that fact still scares the life out of me. This doesn’t just affect girls but also young men as well. How can a Boy go from playing on PS4, and watching cartoons to being Man enough to suddenly handle fatherhood? What if he never had a Dad at home to show him how? Understand that just because young Micheal seems big for his age and as if he can handle the weight of responsibility on his shoulders doesn’t mean that he should.  TEACH HIM HOW TO BE A MAN BEFORE YOU EXPECT HIM TO ACT LIKE ONE. dear lord

bathing suitI have said this several times and I will continue to shout if from the rooftops… LET OUR DAUGHTERS BE LITTLE GIRLS BEFORE WE MAKE THEM WOMEN. Understand that all little girls need to go through that phase where she is just that… A little girl. Not a little woman, not a young adult, but a girl. One that is allowed to be seen for her age and not her bust size. It matters. When I was a little girl, the first and only thing that developed were my breasts. I was a scrawny little ragamuffin but I wore a D cup by the time I was in 8th grade. I hated the attention I got from grown men. I hated that by the time I was in high school, some men saw me as a woman and the attention became worse. I remember that humiliation and turmoil that I felt and I fear that for our young girls. It shaped my entire self-image as it did so many others before and after me. It will shape your daughters as well. I understand that society is more relaxed sexually that they were years ago but the mindset of most of our young women is still the same. In all of my research over the years that fact has been proven, time and again.

grandma-grandmother-puts-in-some-twerking-big-freedia-twerkathon-world-record-nyc-dance-videoKnowing this I am imploring all parents, namely mothers please understand that our daughters are not us reborn. They are little individuals. A growing number of us are so busy trying to live out our self-esteem and image through our daughters that we forget that. I know that statement might make some mad but it is meant to. A lot of us because we feel inadequate, or have a poor self-image, delight in the fact that we see new opportunity in our baby girls. “Girls no longer look at their mothers in the same manner that we did thirty years ago. They no longer want to dress up in mommy’s clothes because mommy is too busy dressing up in theirs. Mothers are the first lady in each girl’s life just as fathers are the first men. As a mother the responsibility lumped upon you upon having a child is immense and vital. As a child a young woman does not have an identity all her own so she will look to the first lady for guidance. Starting young and spending that mother daughter time with your child is more important than most people think.” book cover

The statement above is pulled  from my book. I do not think that all images for teen girls is all bad but just the overly sexy ones. In the pictures above all of the young women are under 18 (except for the bad girls). If that doesn’t scare you enough think about how thanks to us as parents allowing some of these pictures to be posted online, pedophiles don’t have to look very far to get access to their obsessions. Remember that when you hear someone say it is not that bad. Remember that young Mary is only 14 and pregnant. Remember that when you see little Ashley twerking on a boy at the age of 11. It may not be that bad to you now, but I can guarantee you it will get worse.

Unique Not Different…. Why Are You Insecure?

images (15)Why am I so insecure? A lot of us ask this question daily. We look at ourselves with critical eyes and without knowing it we already see the person in the mirror as lacking. We may compare ourselves to friends or coworkers. We may look at someone on television and instead of seeing ourselves as the vision that we are, we see someone possibly lacking. We think we don’t look as good as them or that we can’t possibly measure up to them. 1899925_10152126409942819_1375523898_nIn truth you can never measure up to anyone. The only person you can measure up to is YOU. You are as beautiful as YOU see that you are. You are as handsome as YOU see that you are. You are not like everyone else and that is the way it is supposed to be.

download (4)Personal validation is imperative to your own growth and understanding of self. Daily I see or hear people looking for outside influences to tell them that they are worth more than they should already know that they are. You are much more than you think if you would just see it. This insecure view that we have of ourselves feeds this strange loathing of the person in the mirror. Eventually everything that you despise, you start to hate. That is a normal reaction but in this case it is not founded. You might look at yourself and see someone less than perfect but that doesn’t mean that you are right in that belief. Believe it or not Insecurity is a learned behavior. We are not born hating self. We are not born feeling inadequate. We are born exactly as we were meant to. We can not change the circumstances of our birth. We can not change genetics. We are who we are for a reason.

images (76)Learning to be secure is vital to our survival as a species. Turn off the destructive thoughts in your mind. They are actually not really yours in the first place. A six-year-old does not know that she is not perfect unless someone outside of herself tells her that she isn’t. And not in the way that you think. I am not talking about some mean person or kid telling her she is ugly. Imagine being a little girl with black hair in a room full of blonds.Because she is not like everyone, she may begin to feel like an outcast. images (24) She wasn’t meant to be. She is uniquely opposite from them because that s the way that she was created. She is not different. She still has the same two eyes, two hands, two legs as the others, she is simply genetically structured in a different manner. Now here is where the learned behavior comes into play. These same little girls have been taught by parents, media and society that different is weird. Different is not weird. It is UNIQUE. 

Turn off society. Turn off parents and friends. Turn off those that seek to tear us down. Turn on your own acceptance. So what if you have black hair, blond hair or blue skin.You were born that way. There is nothing you could’ve done to change that. We can’t change genetics. Physical changes that we do to our person to alter our appearance are superficial. We can dye our hair. But it will not change the fact that genetically you still have black hair and that is OK. We have to come to terms with that acceptance of self.  I am not saying that you can not change yourself.  I am saying that before we start heading to the surgeons office to get a nose job at 16, or seeking to imitate the person we see on the TV or on the web, first see what it is like to walk around in your own unchanged and accepted shoes.

images (98)Even modeling agencies are starting to understand that unique can be beautiful. If you were to use that same critical eye that you look at yourself and look at some of the models in Vogue magazine you might find yourself smiling.  Sure most models have perfect bodies on film or camera but most of that is airbrushed and photoshop. They can look exactly like you and I without all of the makeup and pizzazz. So before you look at Beyonce’, Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie or even Jennifer Anniston and start to feel inadequate, look in the mirror and smile. images (55)You are just as beautiful as they are. YOU just have to see it.  Before you start looking at your friends or people around you and assuming that you don’t measure up, understand you were not meant to. Physically they may be different but again that is simply on a genetic level. We are still equal. There are no mistakes in nature so stop looking at yourself as if you are. 

10174843_527287297380881_793382060538508488_nLearn to be Vain with you. Every time you walk past a mirror start blowing yourself a little kiss. Start looking at your nose or cheek bones as an asset to the unique you. Start seeing that although you may not look like someone else it doesn’t make them better. It doesn’t make you worse. It doesn’t mean you are not as special. They are not a threat in your world because you are both the same. You are just as fabulous as me. No more and no less. I am just as awesome as you. No more no less. We are all truly perfectly imperfect and that is OK.  Validate YOURSELF daily. You may not be God’s gift to the world but you are his gift to YOU. Don’t insult him by acting as if that gift is cheap.

If Your Love is Hidden Is It Real?

images (92)On three different occasions yesterday I was asked what I thought about a woman who is a ‘Side Piece’. Did I think they were wrong or delusional? Did I believe that two people could fall in love and be married to others? Did I believe that the relationship could last? Did I believe in a non traditional love? Did I believe love can be hidden? All of these questions brought me back to the same question. “How do YOU see Love?” First off let me say this, I am not a relationship guru nor am I a therapist but I am an advocate for self-awareness and growth. I also strongly believe that love is NEVER to be hidden. A man or woman who is being unfaithful is not always doing so because they are unhappy in their homes. Some are simply greedy and wanting more. Sure it is easy to pretend to have an unhappy married life so that you can play on the emotions of another.images (94) In fact that is one of the prime excuses a lot of men and women use when seeking an unsuspecting prey for their debauchery. “I’m not happy in my marriage. (Wink, wink).” ; “I’m only staying because of the kids (ages 21 & 25).”

images (95)Whatever excuse that is being given, the fact still remains that this relationship that has you pining and crying late into the night is actually built on a lie. It is not real. The emotion you might feel for that person may be, but the relationship itself is only a figment of your imagination. I know that sounds rough and a lot of people may dispute it but be objective for a moment. Using the typical male/female dynamic lets say you meet a guy and you guys click. He may or may not tell you right away that he is married. Either way you start liking him a lot because you guys have so much in common. He begins to tell you that he is unhappily married to this harpy of a woman and miserableBSzBdkKIMAEhZhJ. Most of us would immediately start to feel saddened that this wonderful man that we see before us is being treated like crap at home. He uses this unhappy life ruse every time he wants to get with you. It is a play on your emotions. Don’t fall for it. What Mr. No Good has failed to tell you is that he and his bride are actually very happy and have two kids at home and one on the way. He is content with their life he is just being greedy and wanting a piece of pie on the side. RARELY is it ever a case of a bad marriage.

795bf6f6abe1f8162f307d65390f35c8Now let’s get to you or me. We are home most evenings watching shows like Scandal and playing games online waiting for a phone call or visit. We are so blinded by the forbidden love that we feel that when he does show up we don’t mind hiding or the fact that we can never be seen with each other. After all we don’t want to make things hard for our man right? He already has enough to deal with. He doesn’t need her getting wind of us and putting him on child support or blocking him from seeing the kids. All of these things we tell ourselves when we should be looking at something more important. What is it about me that I am willing to accept all of these excuses without question? I am not desperate or miserable. I am not a fool. I am not ignorant so why am I willfully blinding myself to the obvious? Is this love? I know that I claim to love him but do I also love me? Is this really worth it?

images (96)Each of those questions are the reason behind this post. Not the relationship but the reason why you are in it. How do you see love? If you see love as this fictional relationship from the movies or books then you are only seeing the created reality of a writer not the true reality that is life. Loving someone means being able to see yourself in their eyes. If you give your most precious gift of self to someone, don’t you want to have the same in return? How can you get that from someone who is already taken? The biggest mistake a lot of us make when we have these hidden relationships is imagine ourselves as the exception to the rule. We start to think that we are not like others and that the man or woman we love is not lying to us and will actually see us as the queens and kings that we are. download (14)We assume that the relationship that they are lacking with their current wife/husband will suddenly blossom once they are with us. Rarely is this ever true. Take off the rose-colored glasses. Start seeing this for what it is. This same rule applies to both women and men: If you have to remain a secret, then chances are you always will be. Stop assuming based upon a hope. I am not saying there is no such thing as non traditional love but that there is no such thing as a hidden love.

The greatescandal-memesst love of all is the love of self. This love should be so powerful that it makes you want to shout it from the rooftops. You should be jumping for joy at the thought of sharing it with someone truly worthy of you. Someone who values you just as much as you value them. That type of love can not be hidden and is the premise behind those romance novels. It is the idea behind all of the screenplays. If you want to romanticized love,  make sure you think in terms of real life situations. In other words instead of looking at Scandal and thinking  ‘Awww’, think of yourself and your reaction if it was you or your husband. Stop putting down the spouse and acting as if there is some competition for this person you both want. There isn’t! The funny thing is most women on the side are so busy hating the spouse that they fail to recognize that his wife or girlfriend may not have a clue they even exist.  If that man or woman wanted either of you he/she will make that decision not you. Stop trying to draw attention to yourself and be seen. Instead start stepping out and being seen by someone who only sees you.

Forgiving Me Because My Pain Doesn’t Define Me….

10255552_678360658877149_909292316099306892_nNearly every person alive has faced a trial or two and wondered if things would ever end. We have all had that moment however fleeting or long where we despair over whether or not we can make it through this one time.We survive every day but do we get past them? Are we able to truly deal with and put the trials behind us? Or are we simply placing band aids over broken legs? Meaning are we hiding from our problems by either ignoring or shoving the pain into a manageable corner? The truth is almost all of us chose to simply ignore the past.…. We ignore yesterday…  We assume that the test of time will make everything that we went through go away. That is simply not possible. Those of us that have suffered abuse are twice as likely in my opinion, to be the ones to choose to move beyond the pain that we suffered by simply forgetting it. A friend and I were talking the other day and she was discussing that there were several things in her childhood that brought her pain to think about. My response to her was to try to let that pain go. I am not saying that you have to forget what we have suffered only to remove the power that we give over to those memories. After all we can never go back in time and change them so the only thing we can do is move beyond it. The first steps are Acknowledgment and Forgiveness.10168156_673159756063906_1755916207_n

  • Acknowledgment: As hard as it is to admit our pain happened. Yes I was abused mentally, physically, or sexually. Yes I went through emotional torment… Yes I went through several things that I could not control…. I went through all of that and it was not my fault. None of my past DEFINES me at this moment in time. A part of getting to know the real you is looking at yourself with an objective eye. Not a critical one. Looking to your past does not mean you are accepting blame only that you are accepting that something happened. Unless your name is Marty McFly there is no way to go back and change that fact so rip off that band-aid and break out the tissue paper. Sure we may cry and feel hurt by memories but that is normal. Feel that pain. Accept it and let it go. It should no longer haunt you to the point where it shapes you.
  • download (13)Forgiveness: Everyone always see this word and immediately assume that to forgive means to forget or to admit defeat. Forgiveness means none of those things. It simply is a way of you not losing but REGAINING your strength. By forgiving those that hurt you, you are saying ‘You have no more power over me.’ … You hold all the control over your emotions. You also have to remember that the most important person to forgive is the person in your mirror. You would be surprised how freeing it is to look to self and declare that I Forgive ME. Even though we may know beyond a doubt that we did nothing wrong, most of us still unconsciously feel like we did.images (69)

So why do I need to Acknowledge and Forgive? What does that have to do with going through and getting past anything?… Have you ever wondered why sometimes a few of us have a tendency to self sabotage. We may unconsciously always seem to pick the wrong person to fall in love with, we may pick the wrong jobs, or friends. We may even choose to push everyone away because we just want to be alone. All of those things we may be going through NOW. Today. Not yesterday… We are struggling today. What does our past have to do with it?…. Well it has everything to do with it. Using our failed loves as an example if you have never learned to value yourself then it is not much of a stretch that we may end up in a codependent relationship with someone who we give control over how we think or see ourselves.10007245_676286422417906_1721310549_n

At some point in time we lost ourselves. Where? When? We can never find the answer to those questions unless we delve deep into our history. For some of us it is like willingly sticking our hand into a nest of fire ants. We know it will hurt and we will feel that pain for a while to come but we must do it anyway. We really have no choice. We must learn the lesson that the past is meant to teach us. We have to understand the whys in our lives. There is no way to actually grow beyond the past if we don’t understand how or why something happens or keeps happening. Going back to the above example what if the reason we choose badly is because we were hurt in the past so we are choosing those few people that we know are really toxic to us because we believe we can’t do better? We may choose the first man or woman coming because we are too afraid of holding out for better. Because we have never experienced love in our past we may develop a codependent relationship with a fictional lover. What I mean by that is we are in love with the image of someone and seek that in everyone that we date.

images (67)Looking objectively at the person in the mirror. The common denominator in a lot of our issues is US. Removing the emotional ramifications of that revelation look at what we are doing and try to break the cycles if there are any present.  Looking at myself I kept falling for narcissistic men because I tied my self-worth into pleasing. To me a strong-willed and self-assured man meant that he was strong. I did not notice until too late that neither of the men that I loved actually cared about the way that I was being treated or felt. I put up with abusive behavior because I had no sense of self value. I did not recognize my identity because I did not yet have one. And to be honest I never saw it as a problem. I like so many others always laid the blame for my pain at the hands of the man I chose instead of looking at my own accountability.images (72)Only after really taking a step outside of myself did I begin to look at my past and recognize a pattern. Going deeper into me I saw that the ultimate reason was my lack of identity which was hampered by my past. I eventually learned to forgive my abusers as well as myself and in doing so I learned to place value back in me. I took back control over my memories. They no longer hurt me. I learned to forgive myself for being me. I forgave my penchant for willingly choosing the wrong men. I forgave me for not LOVING ME. Once I did that I was able to look at life through clearer eyes. I know that I am not perfect but I no longer see myself making that same mistake again. I learned the lesson that my past was teaching me. You can do the same.

Your Inner Circle…. NOT Necessarily A Circle…

32102_20121029_050518_315615_155556964538198_111129862314242_283008_429989077_nDepression is horrible enough without the added insult of others. Sometimes the people closest to you are the ones poisoning the air you breath. People have a tendency to forget that just because a person wears the label friend, that doesn’t mean they are your friend. In other words before saying that life sucks make sure that you check the circle of people around you first to make sure it is not that you are surrounded by a bunch of toxic individuals or if we are the toxic ones…. We all desire to be loved and that is a great thing. We need and crave that in our lives. But don’t be so blinded by the desire for love and acceptance that you find yourself feeling like you don’t matter. You might see yourself as an outsider that doesn’t quite fit in. The loner that is always hurting or the friend that is always there for everyone else but no one cares about.1795500_687332761309123_11995162_n

People can be selfish. This includes the ones we love like family as well as those related by blood. There are no exemptions. Most of us are so single-minded that we can look at ourselves in the mirror on a daily basis and tell ourselves that we are truly good people and yet we treat others as if they don’t matter. We don’t notice that slight until it happens to us. We don’t see that we are just as guilty as the rest of the world. We see only the things that we want or we wear rose-tinted glasses and see only the good that we do. We overlook the bad. We overlook the arrogance and ignorance that we ooze out of every pore. We allow our own insecurities and control issues to cause us to act in different ways that are not beneficial to anyone but the person in the mirror and then wonder why the world shuns us.

images (8)Understanding people and being a good person means stepping outside of your own mirror for a second and trying to put yourself in the other persons shoes. Sure you may have gone through similar issues than them but that doesn’t make you better. It should color the way that you treat them however. Instead of tuning up your nose, I suggest you remember that just as you came up you can also be brought down harder than you can ever imagine. Karma is truly a beast. She does not care if you have a thousand degrees, claim to have a heart of gold or are simply skating through life with butter shoes. I continually talk about being a good person and not simply saying that I am one. I say this because I genuinely believe that I am a good person. I assumed that because I try to see the good in people that would make them good. I believed in loving everyone. I did not see myself hating another person even though they may have done me false. I still worry and try to love them with the open heart of a friend. I began to wonder why if I loved the world did the world not love me back? I began to see that people for all of their posturing are really not as good as they claim.IMG_11552626953112

My heart would break all of the time, because I felt so alone even though I was surrounded by people. I was in a one-sided relationship with the world around me. I loved them and they loved themselves. For all of my professions of love and understanding in the lives of those closest to me I realized I did not have the same meaning in theirs. I was not as important to them. I would go out of my way trying to not hurt their feelings while they did nothing to spare mine. The term friendship to most of us is a loose term just like the word good. We pretend to be friends but we are actually simply holding the door for others to exit our world. I found out the hard way that my inner circle even though it was very small was actually not even close to being a circle. It was more of a squiggly line of dots with me in the center trying hard to survive. I felt alone because I was alone.

IMG_81699196655347But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It may seem hard at first but like me you can hopefully understand that you don’t have to be alone in a room full of people. You can be alive in one. You do NOT have to simply fade into the wallpaper.You am not invisible. Refuse to not be seen. Refuse to accept being unheard. A woman once said to me that “If you have to dumb down to be friends, then you just need better friends.” I realize the truth in that statement now. I deserve better friends and so do you. Stop settling for the adage that life sucks… No life doesn’t really suck maybe the people we know do. Stand up and fight this one battle. Depression is hard enough. Some things we can not do to change that but this is one that we all can. Stop allowing others to run roughshod over your emotions. Start speaking up. If a person is really your friend then they will hear and understand and if they don’t then oh well. Open the door to your heart and politely show them the way out of it.1394794_623290497713350_1504712568_n

Free To Be….

images (22)Can you imagine your life without limits? A world where you hold control over everything you can possibly hope for without struggle? Can you imagine if you were truly free to be You?  We all have those moments where we fail to live  up to our true potential. We may simply become complacent with the way our lives have become…. We may choose to not reach for the stars… We may even be blinded by the pursuit of our dreams that we fail to see we are only a few feet away from us. Either way sometimes the main thing holding us back from certain success is the person staring back at us in the mirror. We hold ourselves back. Whether that hold in unconscious or not is really not the issue. Instead it is the acknowledgement that we are holding back something.push-forward-hold-back-copy

We may choose to stand on sure ground instead of stepping out on that limb because we fear failure. We may try to find excuses why we can not do the things that we desire. For instance if you have a desire to be a doctor but you are afraid that you can’t be the neurosurgeon that you dreamed of. Instead you train your thoughts to think of the cost and your age perhaps and eventually the thought of going to school is erased from your mind. Besides dreams we also hold ourselves back from being individuals. images (25)This delusion is also a result of not recognizing the true YOU. You can do all things you set your mind to. The only thing you need is the determination and confidence to see yourself through it. You can stand out because you were never meant to be like everyone else anyway. That was not how nature and God created you.

When you think of your own personal Validated Identity, your mind should be open and limitless. You know you are more than worthy of the dream. You know that you deserve it. So why not put in motion the steps needed to obtain it. You know you do not need or desire to blend into the environment so why bother?download (6)Shine through the mundane that is life. Step out and simply BE! Your identity is tied to your dream. Your entire life is spent in the pursuit of something. If you are truly walking your truth and living your life as you should then you will notice that things around you from a different perspective. You will see light where there is dark. You will begin to understand that life is just as infinite as it is definite. So why stop at the middle of the staircase instead of shooting for the top?

images (23)When you are discussing your identity, understand that there is no judgement. You are you and that is that. So be truly you. Dance in the rain…. Sing in the shower….Be YOU! Find out what it is that makes your heart jump for joy and do it. There is a saying that you only live once. That is not true you live every day. You can only die once. Your future is yet to be written by you. Do you really want to waste your time trying to fit into a mold that was not meant for you? Be the hero in your story. You are greater than you can ever know. Its time you showed that to the world. download (7)

Domestic Violence and Teens…. It’s Not That Bad? Or Is It?

download (1)What does Domestic Violence mean to you? I recently had a talk that completely unnerved me. I was talking to a group of young adults about the dangers of  domestic abuse and asked them what they felt was toxic behavior.  The majority of these kids ages 15-25 stated that they did not think fighting  with their girlfriend or boyfriend was abusive. ‘ Abuse is when somebody ends up in the hospital’, “It’s not as bad as all that. I mean people fight. If he hits me I’m going to hit him back. “; ” If a girl loves me enough to stalk me that’s funny.”; ” I don’t see a problem”;  “If somebody jumps in my face I’m not going to just stand there.” These were all responses but not one person mentioned walking away. Not one person understood how bad DV really is. They were truly desensitized to the violence.  They didn’t see a problem.download (2)

When did our youth become so blinded by this warped idea of love? How did they become so deluded into thinking that self-preservation was not as needed if you loved someone? How bad and how far does this go? Domestic abuse is a caustic wound that will only get worse, not better, over time. It is not something that will just simply phase its way out of existence. Turn on the TV any day of the week, and you will find some show on there where men and women are either fighting or they are emotionally battering each other. The only time it seems to generate any amount of reaction from the general public (especially our youth) is if the survivor/victim is a celebrity.images (8) That’s where things become a little weird for me because I would assume as a man or woman, you would be more concerned with the world outside your own door instead of those that you may never have the opportunity to meet or touch.

images (12)We all know bad or ridiculous behavior is glamorized by the media so much so that it is nearly ingrained in our culture. We know that most of our younger generations are more greatly influenced by this type of negativity more than ever.images (5) They are the generation of this new age of desensitization. But will it be the death of them? Culturally Americans of all races are becoming more angry. They are not as full of love and understanding as the youth of yesterday. They are not bad, only they lack the ability to empathize with others. They lack the ability to feel for themselves. It’s scary because it is true.  What is also scary is that we are all guilty of that lack of feeling and empathy. Every time we turn on the TV and tune into violent programming or turn a blind eye to what we know is destructive behavior we are guilty. I started thinking and I could not come up with a solution because I am not that brilliant or have the credentials to even try. I did however come up with a few things that we need desperately to promote. Below are a few things that we can bring awareness to:

  • Domestic violence, also known as domestic abusespousal abusebatteringfamily violencedating abuse, and intimate partner violence(IPV), is a pattern of behavior which involves the abuse by one partner against another in an intimate relationship such as marriagecohabitation, dating or within the family.download (4) Domestic violence can take many forms, including physical aggression or assault (hitting, kicking, biting, shoving, restraining, slapping, throwing objects, battery), or threats thereof; sexual abusecontrolling or domineeringintimidationstalking; passive/covert abuse (e.g., neglect); and economic deprivation. This was taken directly from Wikipedia and notice that it talks about STALKING.  Any type of behavior where you have to follow or chase down your significant other is NOT love. That is STALKING! Going to someone’s job, place of business or school with the sole purpose of being seen and threatening is not love.
  • images (9)OBSESSION IS NOT LOVE!!! Love can make you do some crazy things but those things should not be dangerous or ridiculous, meaning love can make you build the Taj Mahal but it should not make you lose yourself in the process. Loving someone is making them a part of you life not your whole life. You still need to be you. You still need to have a strong sense of self-preservation.
  • LOVE DOES NOT HURT! I wish I could shout this from the top of the highest mountain. LOVE does not hurt. Emotional abuse is truly one of the most lasting kinds of torment. Being worn down in the name of love is not actually love. Someone using your emotions to establish control over you is not love and neither is having someone treating you as if you are not worth the dirt on the ground.
  • A SMACK IS A SMACK. A punch is a punch… A shove is a shove. Anytime that a person puts their hands on you or you put yours on them it is not OK. It doesn’t matter if you only did it because you were caught up in anger. That is an excuse. The extreme is when a person has to involve the police or be placed in the hospital. If you keep telling yourself that it is not that bad, how will you know what extreme is?images (10)
  • Domestic violence transcends generations and gender. If our youth, our children, our family and friends don’t see the occasional fight or emotionally battery around them as that bad now, how bad does it have to get before they do? Is the next phase going to be a rash of teenagers being killed by their boyfriends or girlfriends? This behavior is learned and it can be unlearned.

images (6)There are a ton of other points that we need to emphasize to the world around us but those are the ones pressing on my heart. I implore everyone to please talk to your kids today, not tomorrow. Talk to them about how they see domestic abuse. Find out what their threshold for bad really is before they get so wrapped up in their views that they begin to lose themselves. Talk to your daughters about the dangers of confusing love with obsession and possession. Talk to your sons about the dangers of assuming that just because he is a male , that does not mean he can not also be abused. DV is not just against women and it doesn’t always involve a fist. We need to open our eyes NOW to the dangers of this growing problem. We need action against it in the worst way. Here is a link to the National Domestic Violence hotline. If you need help, get it now. Contact them immediately and get safe. You are not alone. You are stronger than you think. http://www.thehotline.org/